Rating - PG-13 for Gokudera’s perpetually inappropriate mouth
Characters - Tsuna, Gokudera, Reborn, Haru, Kyoko, and Enma
Notes/Warnings - Spoilers for the Inheritance Arc. Also, please note that THIS IS CRACK, THIS IS NOT IN ANY WAY A SERIOUS PAIRING FIC. So just sit back and roll with it and we’re good. /o/
Summary - Reborn decides it’s time to marry Tsuna off. Gokudera decides the best way to do it is via quiz show, à la The Dating Game. Tsuna decides nothing, because Tsuna has no control over his life.
“Tsuna,” said Reborn one day apropos of nothing, “it’s time we made an honest man out of you.”
“…” said Tsuna because like many of the things Reborn said, the implications of this were terrifying and seemingly no good could come of it, and obviously he wasn’t going to just go along with it but he also had the feeling that any protesting on his part would only make it worse, so clearly the solution was to just sit there and SAY NOTHING.
“I’ll take your stunned silence as full-fledged agreement,” said Reborn.
“It’s not!” said Tsuna, foolishly forgetting everything from the previous paragraph in an instant.
“Too late,” Reborn said. “To this end, I’ve enlisted the help of your right hand man in brainstorming a competition designed to select your ideal suitor, once and for all.”
“Boss!” said Gokudera, appearing out of nowhere and waving cheerfully.
“Reborn-san and I have been going over the list of requirements carefully, and we’ve finally narrowed it down to three possibilities. Though personally, I’m not satisfied with a single one of them—”
Reborn did an acrobatic pirouette off the windowsill and kicked Gokudera in the face. Gokudera made a noise, went flying onto his back, lay there for a few moments, and then sat up holding his nose gingerly and giving Reborn a wide berth.
“…Uh, so as I was saying,” Gokudera went on more tactfully, “since we’re not, uh, completely sold on any of the candidates just yet, we decided… well, that we’d let you pick!”
“Pick what?” demanded Tsuna, feeling the urgent need to flee and bury his head in the sand somewhere. Preferably somewhere far, far away, on an island surrounded by an ocean of calm, blue waves. And filled with only sane people, and maybe a pond or two with some ducks.
“I already told you,” said Reborn. “A suitor.”
“A… s-suitor…?” Tsuna looked at Gokudera weakly.
“Your future wife, Tenth!” Gokudera chirped. “A girlfriend! Or boyfriend, if that’s what you prefer,” he added with a sideways glance that was only a bit awkward.
“I… don’t… what?”
“You can relax, Tenth, I told you, we’ve got it all sorted out! We’ll do all of the work; you just have to show up!”
There were several things Tsuna might have done well to say at this point, including What?, I don’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend or wife!, and/or Are you planning some sort of weird mafia version of The Bachelor?? But what came out of his mouth, unfortunately, was some weird combination of wuuhduhwuhdaaahwaah sounds.
“That’s the spirit, Tsuna,” Reborn said. “But try to be more articulate tonight when you’re surrounded by all of your romantic hopefuls.”
“That’s right, Tenth!’ Gokudera chirruped. “Anyway, I’ll leave Reborn-san to explain the rest. And I’ll see you tonight, okay?” With that he promptly gallivanted off again to do god knows what, leaving Tsuna behind to sputter and whine some more until Reborn backfisted him, dumped a tuxedo onto his bed, and left him to pitiably bemoan his fate.
“Meet your potential suitors, Tenth!” came Gokudera’s voice as Reborn removed Tsuna’s blindfold. He was sitting in what looked to be the elaborate lobby of one of Namimori’s many posh hotels and/or castles for rent. Technically, he was tied to the chair, but we won’t get into the details of that any more than we will explore the fact that he was just blindfolded a second ago, except to clarify that it was not in a sexy or kinky way, but more of a kidnappy daily life comedy abuse way. So get your minds out of the gutter!
Anyway, so they were in the middle of the let’s just go with hotel, positioned on top of a small stage. There was a podium, behind which Gokudera currently stood, and seated at a table facing the podium were three of the last people Tsuna ever wanted to be seated across from while blindfolded and tied to a chair.
“Tsuna-kun! This is so exciting!” sparkled Kyoko, the picture of naiveté.
“Tsuna-saaaan! Haru is going to win this competition for sure!” sang Haru determinedly.
“…” said Enma, who looked so incredibly awkward that it almost made even Tsuna feel slightly less awkward all of a sudden in comparison, because it’s just like, you know. No matter how bad of a day you were or are having, at least you’re not as miserable as Kozato Enma.
“Christ, Kozato, show a little enthusiasm, will you?” Gokudera scowled. “This is the Tenth we’re talking about, you all should be grateful for this unbelievable opportunity! One of you is going to be fucking hand-picked tonight to be his betrothed!”
Enma turned such a ridiculously dark shade of red that for a moment Tsuna worried he was going to turn into a black hole again. Meanwhile, Haru appeared to be barely restraining herself from squealing out loud, and Kyoko was just sitting there smiling like she always does, because nothing ever fucking fazes Sasagawa Kyoko.
Tsuna himself sat there decidedly fazed as all get-out. Something plopped onto his shoulder and he turned to see Reborn leaning down and adjusting Tsuna’s bow tie.
“Is he ready, Reborn-san?” asked Gokudera.
“So excited he can barely contain his glee,” Reborn replied. Tsuna looked at him; Reborn beamed. God, he was terrifying.
“Okay, great!” Gokudera cleared his throat. “All right, you all know why you’re here already, so let’s get down to business. Now, Tenth, you already know everyone here, of course, but just for the sake of professionalism, I’m going to formally introduce each candidate and submit them for your approval, along with a brief lists of pros and cons.”
“…Pros and cons?” Tsuna managed.
“This is an important decision, Tenth, you should be absolutely sure that you take everything into consideration before choosing the person you’re going to settle down with! Anyways, so! The first candidate that we will introduce tonight is… Sasagawa Kyoko!”
Kyoko stood up quickly, curtsying prettily and yoroshikuing like a good Japanese game show contestant.
“Age fifteen, blood type O. Pros: Nice enough, I guess, and the Tenth seems to like her a lot… gets good grades, popular at school, and hard-working and helpful too, I suppose.”
Now Tsuna was blushing. Kyoko was of course beaming as per usual. “I do my best!”
“…Right. Uh. Anyway… cons. Doesn’t really know much about… uh,” he gave Kyoko a shifty-eyed glance, “…sumo tournaments. Also she’s the sister of that fucking Lawn Head, so you would have him as a brother-in-law.” Gokudera made a face and gave Tsuna an intense look. “Think about this really carefully, Tenth. Don’t do anything that you’ll regret.”
Tsuna sweatdropped; Kyoko beamed some more.
“Moving on! The second candidate, Miura Haru.”
“Tsuna-san!” Haru jumped up and waved at him.
“Age fifteen, blood type B. Pros: Hard-working, when she’s not being a pain in the ass.”
“Gokudera-san!” Haru turned from Tsuna to glare at Gokudera, incensed; he paid her no mind.
“Kinda smart, I guess, though she’s still fucking annoying. On the plus side, she is loyal to the Tenth.”
“Of course!” burst Haru indignantly.
Gokudera glared back at her. “Cons, never shuts up. Annoying. Bossy. Those weird costumes. That thing she does where she talks in the third person, that’s kind of annoying too—”
“Charming, not annoying!” Haru broke in again. “Tsuna-san, he’s slandering me!”
“Uh,” said Tsuna helplessly.
“Maybe if you would stop interrupting me I’d be more inclined to put in a good word for you—”
“Haru isn’t interrupting, she’s defending herself!”
“Whatever!” Gokudera threw his hands up in the air as though he were somehow innocent of all blame. “I rest my case! Moving on, the third candidate…” Haru growled and sat down again with her arms folded sulkily. “…Kozato Enma!”
Enma slunk down in his chair so that he was eye-level with the tablecloth.
“Age fifteen, blood type, I don’t know. Pros, well, he’s a fellow…” Gokudera gave another conspicuous shifty-eyed glance toward the girls, “…sumo… boss, so it could be a useful way to ally the… sumo families even more. Powerful, I guess, though he’s still kind of a wimp. Good friends with the Tenth. Cons, he’s a ginger. Also he tried to kill you that one time.”
Tsuna did remember, but, well. Basically everyone he knew had tried to do that at one point or another. He smiled at Enma encouragingly. Enma looked like he was trying to smile back, but given the fact that he simultaneously seemed to be trying to will himself out of existence, the attempt was somewhat unconvincing.
“Anyway, now that we’re done with the introductions, let’s get started with the main event. Reborn-san?”
Reborn hopped up from Tsuna’s shoulder onto the podium. “Ciaossu.” He withdrew a remote from his pocket, pushed a shiny red button, and a giant banner unfurled above the stage. “Welcome, everyone, to ‘Who Wants to Marry the Vongola Tenth?’”
Kyoko smiled and clapped. Haru clutched her hands together, bouncing with excitement. Enma had abandoned his seat and was now halfway to the door.
“Our host tonight is Tsuna’s Storm Guardian and delusionally self-styled right hand man, Gokudera Hayato. He’ll be running our show tonight and asking each candidate questions expertly designed to determine who among you is worthy of taking our future Tenth Boss’s hand in marriage, and, eventually, his maidenhood. Excuse me for a second.”
Thirty seconds later, having coaxed Kozato Enma back in his seat and ensured that he wouldn’t be leaving again anytime soon on account of also being tied to his chair, Reborn strolled back up to the podium and hopped onto Gokudera’s shoulder. Gokudera looked for a moment like he was going to say something, either about the Enma thing or (more likely) the “self-styled” remark, but then wisely thought better of it and turned back to face the group.
“Take it away, Gokudera,” Reborn smiled.
“R… right!” He whipped out a set of fastidiously organized index cards with one hand and slid his glasses onto his nose with the other. “Listen carefully, everyone! Our first question will test the candidates’ knowledge of the Tenth’s likes and dislikes. A good spouse should have a basic sense of this. So!” He read aloud from the first card on the pile. “Question one… what brand of body wash does the Tenth use?”
Tsuna felt a fresh sheen of sweat prickle up on his forehead.
“All right, answers!” shouted Gokudera, getting fired up. “Let’s go! Sasagawa!”
“Ahh…” said Kyoko, putting a finger to her lips and somehow managing to look adorable while in deep thought. “Well, I do remember one time when his gym bag split open in front of everyone…”
Tsuna remembered that time, too. And remembered fervently hoping that Kyoko had not seen. Part of him died a little inside.
“Let’s see… there was his comb and towel… and the soap… I think it was a blue bottle… so I guess I’m going to go with Suave?”
“Irish Spring,” mumbled Enma, head ducked so low it looked as though he were addressing his shirt.
“All right! So, one vote Suave, one vote Irish Spring. And the correct answer is…”
“Hahi, wait a second! You can’t just skip me!”
Gokudera gave a quick ‘oh, rats’ shake of his fist and rolled his eyes as Haru jumped indignantly to her feet.
“Foul play! You’re trying to sabotage me!”
“I was not, it was an honest oversight! Anyway, just answer the damn question, then!”
“Fine!” Haru cleared her throat. “In any case, you can’t fool me, Gokudera-san! This is a trick question!”
Gasps of shock resounded around the room.
“It’s because Tsuna-san is a gentle family man!” Haru continued, eyes glinting with manic determination. “That’s why the true answer is… he doesn’t use his own body wash at all! In true humble and boyish fashion, he just uses whatever his mom uses!”
“T-that’s not true!” Tsuna burst.
“Hahi?” Haru looked puzzled. “It’s not?”
“No!” shouted Tsuna, desperately trying to clutch to the remaining threads of his dignity.
“Hahi…” Now Haru looked embarrassed, which was somehow even worse. “Then wait! Wait, I want to change my answer!”
“Too late!” Gokudera cut in. “The correct answer was Irish Spring!”
Enma turned a shade of pink that was arguably impossible for a human being. It was almost a glow, like someone was actually shining tiny light bulbs behind his cheeks.
“Noooooo!” shouted Haru dramatically.
“Yes!” Gokudera avowed. “Irish Spring, the body wash of a man who gets things done efficiently but doesn’t have anything to prove! So, Kozato Enma gets one point, and the rest of you are still at zero.” Haru shook her fist while Gokudera looked irrationally smug.
“All right,” continued Gokudera, “on to question two! This question is designed to test your knowledge of the Tenth’s inner soul, and how well you understand his depth and the secrets that he keeps from the world.”
Tsuna attempted to follow Enma’s lead in trying to retract his head in between his shoulders.
“If you took the Tenth on a date, what would it be like?”
Tsuna sat up again and would have wiped his brow with a clichéd sigh of relief were it not for the fact that he was still tied to a chair.
And now all eyes were on Kyoko. “Well, Sasagawa?” Gokudera pressed.
“I’m not sure…” puzzled Kyoko good-naturedly. “Maybe go to a restaurant, or to the movies?”
Tsuna temporarily melted into a pile of dumb boy love as he admired his longtime crush’s sensible choice of first date activities.
“And you, woman?”
“Haru,” corrected Haru heatedly, “would invite Tsuna-san over for a romantic candlelight dinner for two!”
“Gofeedkittens,” mumbled Enma in font almost too tiny to read.
“…What?” said everyone because seriously, it was like 4-point font. Why do they even have that.
Enma ducked his head so only his mouth and nose were visible beneath his ginger locks, and repeated, “…I’d like to maybe go feed the stray kittens together.”
There was a pause, as everyone else took a moment to come to grips with the crushing realization that we’re all horrible, evil, hopelessly selfish people compared to Kozato Enma.
“Geez, Kozato,” said Gokudera, half in awe and half in disgust, “how fucking pure are you?”
Enma said nothing, opting to just sit there instead, trying to turn opaque.
“Well?” spoke up Haru after a moment. “Who won the second round?”
“What?” said Gokudera, snapping out of his kitten-induced reverie. “Oh, uh. …Fuck, I don’t even know. Reborn-san?” he said, turning to his co-conspirator.
“For now, let’s rule it a draw, and we’ll come back to it later,” said Reborn wisely. “The third round is the most important, after all.”
“—Of course! The third round!” Gokudera straightened, the crazy glint back in his eyes once again. “Here we go. It’s all well and good to know the Tenth’s daily habits, inner soul, and hopes and dreams. But at the end of the day, what counts much more than any of that is… love!”
Haru swooned. Kyoko’s mouth formed a little “o” as her eyes brimmed with unshed tears of emotion. And Enma just started pulsing ever so softly, as if he were quietly preparing to explode, like some sort of human soft drink can.
“And the root of all love is appreciation! So… what, in your opinion, is the greatest thing about the Tenth?”
Tsuna started to groan, but cut off when he caught Reborn’s knowing eye. He shuffled awkwardly, trying to pretend he wasn’t actually desperate to hear Kyoko’s answer to the question, at the very least.
“Sasagawa?” Gokudera asked. Kyoko sat in thought for a moment. The world sat on the edge of their seats, waiting to hear her words and to see whether or not this would be it, the final link in the metaphorical daisy chain that is Tsuna and Kyoko’s relationship. Would those two crazy kids finally make it after all?
“What I like best about Tsuna-kun is… his kind spirit,” Kyoko smiled at last.
Tsuna’s heart turned into a balloon and floated up into the heavens and then burst into a shower of gentle sunbeams and chirping birds. Then he got kind of embarrassed because a girl basically just said he was sweet. Oh gosh.
Gokudera nodded, looking impressed. Even Reborn was smiling in approval. “Good answer,” he said. Kyoko gave a polite little bow.
Suddenly a high-pitched sound broke everyone out of their reverie. Tsuna looked over to see Haru jumping to her feet, clutching a fist tightly and trembling with impending passion. Tsuna swallowed, bracing himself.
“Yes?” said Gokudera disdainfully.
“Then… then if that’s the case…!” Haru began, “the thing that Haru likes the most about Tsuna-san is… his kind spirit and his gentle heart!”
More gasps of shock resounded as everyone attempted to come to grips with this brutally smooth attempt at one-upmanship. Gokudera stood there with his mouth open for a minute or so, but even he apparently found himself at a loss for words, too flabbergasted to even point out the blatant subject-verb disagreement in that devastatingly laudatory statement.
Even Kyoko turned to Haru and bowed respectfully, acknowledging defeat. Haru remained upright for another moment, still a-tremble, before finally collapsing back into her seat. She turned to Tsuna, grinning and waving. Tsuna smiled back weakly.
“…Damn,” said Gokudera at last. “Well, I guess it’s all up to you now, Kozato. What do you think is the greatest thing about the Tenth?”
“His compassion,” said Enma.
Gokudera blinked. Everyone else turned to stare at Enma in mild shock at his uncharacteristic forwardness. Thankfully, the effect seemed to be only temporary, and a few moments later he took on his usual pinkish hues and wishy-washy posture once more. He flinched as he caught sight of Haru’s glare of grudging acknowledgement.
“Well,” said Reborn, breaking the silence, “I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone who the winner of this competition is.”
“Wait, what?” Tsuna said.
“Yeah,” said Gokudera, removing his glasses and wiping his forehead as though there had been any exertion whatsoever involved in this arbitrary process of selecting his boss’s future spouse. “Congratulations, Kozato.”
“Ehh?!” said Tsuna and Enma simultaneously. It was actually pretty adorable.
“Don’t be crude, Tsuna,” Reborn chided. “That’s no kind of reaction to have in front of your new fiancé.”
“We’re not betrothed!” Tsuna yelped.
“Congratulations, Kozato-kun,” said Kyoko as she and Haru bowed to Enma in concession.
“You… you just make sure you treat him like a king, Kozato-san!” said Haru as Kyoko put a consoling arm around her and led her away.
“No one’s listening to me…” Tsuna whined.
Tsuna turned to look at Enma, who blushed but continued gamely. “…Well, maybe it won’t be so bad.”
“Enma…” Tsuna felt a warm fuzzy feeling spread throughout his chest and possibly some of his lower regions. He smiled at Enma and they just sat there sparkling at each other for a few minutes.
“Uh… well… I guess I’m done here…” said Gokudera somewhat awkwardly.
“Well done, Enma,” said Reborn, hopping onto Enma’s shoulder.
“Thanks…” Enma mumbled.
“And now we can discuss the matter of your dowry.”
“Oh, Reborn,” everyone chuckled.
I think Reborn wants the Simon rings. Not all of the Simon rings! But yeah, most of the Simon rings. Shrug. Why not.
...This whole thing ended up way way longer than I thought it was going to be oh my god. Sorry. XD